Sunday, March 29, 2009

Be my friend

You ask me how I'm feeling
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart;
You start squirming in your chair.

Everyone avoids me now,
because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my soul mate is dead?

No one will let me
say the words I need to say
Why does a person's grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of hearing him struggle to breathe
knowing he was scared and in pain.

You cannot imagine
what is was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that cheek,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too.

I swear that I'll remember
till the day I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.

~Author Unknown

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

13 folds

I have Donn's flag here right behind me on the coffee table with all my sympathy cards and photos it's in a glass triangle box frame still folded exactly as it was by the servicemen at Donn's funeral and I cant stop looking at it, I haven't cried in fact I am feeling very weird but I cant stop looking at it it's like my eyes are drawn too it and I know the importance and significance of it and how very very very special it is and how immensely proud Donn would be of it and I will always always treasure it and keep it safe but its like I was expecting to have a much much stronger reaction too it but really maybe what I am feeling is a sense of relief that it is finally where it belongs. Or maybe with each thing I get I have this hope that it's going to some how stop the pain and I wont feel so empty anymore.

Meaning of the 13 folds in the flag are as follows
Below is the text that is recited by honor guards when folding the American flag at the funeral of America's heroes.
  1. The first fold of our flag is a symbol of life.
  2. The second fold is a symbol of our belief in the eternal life.
  3. The third fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veteran departing our ranks who gave a portion of life for the defense of our country to attain a peace throughout the world.
  4. The fourth fold represents our weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in times of war for His divine guidance.
  5. The fifth fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong."
  6. The sixth fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
  7. The seventh fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.
  8. The eighth fold is a tribute to the one who entered in to the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day, and to honor mother, for whom it flies on Mother's Day.
  9. The ninth fold is a tribute to womanhood; for it has been through their faith, love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great have been molded.
  10. The tenth fold is a tribute to father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since they were first born.
  11. The eleventh fold, in the eyes of a Hebrew citizen, represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon, and glorifies, in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
  12. The twelfth fold, in the eyes of a Christian citizen, represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in their eyes, God the Father, the Son, and Holy Ghost.
When the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost, reminding us of our national motto, "In God we Trust."

Saturday, March 21, 2009

The Bra Epic

I didnt go to school on Thursday or Friday because I just felt too emotional and really just wanted to totally focus on each precious gift that had arrived in the mail but then yesterday morning I went to one of the department stores here Big W to buy some bras as they had them out on sale so I go and pick up 2 pairs of very plain practical bras on special and as I am looking at the bras I see this very sexy red black and white lace bra the sort I loved to wear for Donn its my size but twice as expensive as the others I picked it up and decided to buy it I walked 10 metres and turned around and put it back with whats the point I cant show Donn and I dont need nor can I afford it so then I walk off get 10 mts and turn around go back and get it as I hear a little voice say to me but Donn loved you wearing sexy bras go get it so I go back pick it up and walk off again only to change my mind and dump the bra on some random shelf with dont be nuts you dont need it and you cant afford it so off I walk again and again I have something pulling me back to get the bra I grabbed it dumped the two plain bras with a to hell with it this one is bright cheery and I will feel great in it.... at which point I immediately started to giggle and felt like Donn was laughing with me he wanted me to have that bra and while he may never see me wear it I sure am going to be thinking of him and feeling great in it.
When I got home from the store i put it right on and it fitted perfectly and felt so right and now every tiem I think of it and the big bra dilemma I giggle as I think Donn was hanging out withme in Big W he was a HUGE Walmart fan so maybe he has decided Big W is a good substitute so he came with me and made certain i didnt buy any plain boring bra.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

tired but peaceful

I've had a kind of special day today I received notification last night I had a large parcel to pick up from the airport from Donn's sister so this morning bright and early I went and collected it... part of this was having to get it processed by customs at a cost of $50 so I was attended to by this wonderful kind older man who asked me what I do I told him I was a teacher so then he asked me where to cut along story short I teach with a very dear friend of his so then I ended up telling him my life history and he waivered the $50 fee it truly made me feel so good.
So I put the extra large box in the back of the car and played very loud music all Donn's favourite on the way to the car wash I know some times I am a little crazy but I needed to clean the car and I think I just wanted too prolong the sheer pleasure of having the parcel without dealing with the emotion after I opened it. So finally my car is all spotless inside and out so I make my way home carry the box in and put it in the middle of the large coffee table in the lounge room.
Inside apart from Donn's numerous cameras and lens but minus the battery charger for his DSLR camera were his most prized possessions...
His watch that I bought him and has engraved on the back "Donn + Carolyn = Love 3.10.00 (his birthday) he wore that watch ALL the time he loved it.
His Zippo lighter with the Australian flag on it and all the dates I had arrived in Texas engraved on it.
My gold "C ring that I got for my 21st off my mum and dad that Donn had been wearing on his pinky finger since 1997.
A silver coin with a rose carved in one side and "Love is patient and kind... it always protects, trusts, and hopes...Love never fails. Cor 3:24 engraved on the other side Donn carried that coin with him all the time in his pocket with his loose change.
and then finally something I thought had been lost at the hospital but his sister had found in the clothes dryer when Donn died she took his clothes home and washed them and his chain and medallion must have been put in the pocket it was a miracle. It's a St Christopher Medallion which is also engraved that I gave him for his birthday in 1998.
So it has been an extremely emotional day one of a million happy memories of times of seeing and sharing these gifts with Donn. Like the silver medallion used to nestle in his hairy chest and I used to love playing with it when we were laying in bed together until he would grab my hand and tell me to quit it as it was bugging him hehehehehhe
Oh one final thing I talked to Donn's sister this morning and she has also now mailed me Donn's flag so I should be getting that soon too.
So for now I have some mental peace I cried a lot of tears today and I am emotionally drained but I also feel calm and a sense of things being where they should be and where Donn would want them to be. I feel now even more that he is here with me.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A note to my D

Sweetie I am so excited I think you probably know I can hear you teasing me about having Adult ADHD when I got so excited about something I almost sizzle with energy well thats how I have felt since I got home at 6pm tonight and found a big official looking envelope waiting for me in the mail box. Its from the customs at Perth International Airport to say I have a parcel waiting for me and guess what its from your sister. I cant hardly believe it she never replied to any of my emails for the last week and then here is the parcel and what more I had 2 emails from her containing photos of the celebration they had for you in Fort Worth. I am so trying to just focus on the fact she has sent me some of the stuff but on the list of items there is no mention of your flag:( I so wish she had included that as well.
In typing this tho it has just occured to me that in getting this parcel I am suddenly faced with having to go through the agony of accepting you have gone all over again. As my ring or your ring or OUR ring is in that parcel and you loved that ring with all your heart and would get annoyed at me trying to sneak it off your little pinky but I loved it too and wanted too wear it. But you took it off my finger in Dec 1997 and wore it every day ever since. You always said that the C on it stood for COMMITTMENT. I just feel so tired so very tired and I miss you.
Maybe tho for a little while we can both relax a little I've just been so obssessed with getting the stuff from the house I think it was making me a little crazy so hopefully Sharian willget the rest of the stuff in the mail sooner rather than later.
I could keep talking to you forever I just need you so much you always put the balance back in my life. So stay with me love I need you with me until everything has settled and I have all our things.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

what do I do?????

I dont know what to do I lay awake at night thinking about how much I want mine and Donn's stuff that his sister is meant to be mailing to me its now 8 weeks and she still hasn't mailed it every few days I email her asking her or just dropping her a quick hello always kind and understanding but its like this weeping wound that making me go crazy too the point of laying in bed at night crying and not being able to sleep I dont understand why she doesnt realise how desparately I want mine and Donn's things my ring our photos his favourite jacket the flag from his funeral his watch that i had engraved for him his cameras just so many things and she just doesnt seem to understand how badly it effects me she just keeps telling me how busy she is. I have offered to send the money to cover cost but thats not the issue. I just dont know how to get her to do it and I cant get angry or annoyed with her as then she may never do it. I just feel trapped in this place where I have no control. I know how upset Donn would be and how very frustrated he would be by my having to wait like this. But what do I do or say to make her understand without offending her.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Words to remember

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always

remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

Whats the point?

I had a nice day yesterday on my Geography excursion and I have a small group of really nice Yr 12 students. I did take a little pocket camera with me so took a few photos but as I was telling my friend Jen most of the day I felt quite sad as one of the reasons I had grown to love my Geog Excursions in the past is that while the students were busy writing notes and sketching I would take photos of all the amazing scenery around the city to show Donn so this yr I struggled with the day and was really quite glad to have the day over. Even last night I had fully intended taking some night photos but decided what was the point as who would I show them too it's so hard I love photography and taking photos but so much of that was that i shared them with Donn he was my audience we spent hrs sharing photos with each other and challenging each other to improve and get different types of shots whether they be macro of flowers or different angles of the pets etc.
So every time I pick my camera up my heart aches even more as it's like I am asking myself why are you bothering taking these no one cares and I cant show them to Donn so whats the point?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

just blah

I want to write how I feel but the thing is its like there is this emptiness a nothingness I miss Donn and the joy and the anticipation of looking forward to talking to him to the shared laughter I just miss him. Its like for 11 yrs I counted down towards the day Donn and I would get to be together again and now I am counting backwards from the day we last got to touch and it makes me want to be physically sick so painful is that last memory. I just feel so very alone.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Hall of Fame

well I am tickled pink I just logged on to the Granny thread and this was the first post I saw. This was posted by the kindest most wonderful lady called Mars. She is such an amazing lady always has time to comment on every ones layouts and posts. Then their is Erica who moved my layout into the Hall of Fame another truly generous kind lady who Ia m going to get to meet at the Queensland Crop in May.

I am so pleased that this particular layout was chosen as it really connected with me as I was doing it as Donn and i sent so many cards and letters to each other that it jsut seems fitting to have this layout recognised as being special.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Not feeling so good

So I had all these plans to keep myself really busy this 3 day weekend but instead I wake up yesterday morning feeling totally unwell so rushing back and forward to the toilet all day and feeling nauseous so I didnt get to do half of what I wanted and spent most of the day home alone which right now I cant cope with and then again today I was meant to go out for Lunch with friends but still felt unwell so again I spent the day home alone and just feeling so alone and how long can I expect my friends and family to want to listen to me cry . Today I got angry and told Donn I hated him for doing this to me he had no right leaving me. I dont want to be this sad lonely person but at times I get to feeling so sad I cant barely breathe. I just dont know what to do with myself.Plus I just feel like no one understands how can they unless they have lost the love of their life there #1 person. Donn was my person he loved me more than anyone he was the person I didnt have to censor my thoughts my emotions what I felt he knew about sometimes even before I recognised what I was thinking and feeling he knew me so well. I just miss him I dreamt about him for the first time last night I cant remember what it was about all I do remember is waking up abruptly feeling like I was looking deep into his eyes. Like I opened my eyes and he was so close to me that all I could see were his beautiful blue eyes.