Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Not an Ordinary Day

So La Trice said at the Military service yesterday "as I have John's flag, (her husband Donn's father)Carolyn will have Donn's flag". My Sweetie D's ashes were interned with a military service yesterday at the Fort Worth Dallas National Cemetery and tho I could not be there in person I was very much there in my thoughts and heart. I am also very very grateful to Rick and Carol who attended the funeral and Carol for taking photographs for me. It means more to me that words can describe that Donn's mother wants me to have Donn's flag for me its the acknowledgment of the deep love and commitment that Donn and I shared. A love that La Trice got to see and share with us on many occasions throughout the 11 yrs. So I had to mark this day by doing something special it could NOT be just another day. So I wanted to do things that I knew Donn would love too and things that would make me feel more connected to him. So I started my day with a Trip to the Ocean as it is standing in the waters of the Indian Ocean that I can feel most connected to all parts of the World . Plus one of the happiest adventures Donn and I shared was swimming in the Atlantic Ocean at Myrtle Beach South Carolina.
From walking along the beach sharing my memories of Donn with my good friend Pam we then drove into Fremantle. Donn loved the stories and photos I sent him of our historic wharf city. We walked around the fishing boat wharf and ended up eating lunch at Joe's Fish Shack. I had the chilli mussles one of my favourite things to eat that Donn always thought was funny. Also one of our most favourite places to eat was at Red Lobster where we would have all you can eat crab legs.
Then on the way home from Fremantle we stopped in and picked up my new computer and I came home and set it up. Some thing else that normally I would be asking Donn a million questions about and wanting him to find programs and bits and pieces for me.

So this was NOT an ordinary day it was the kind of day that Donn and I would have loved. A day where the feeling of missing him etched just that much deeper into my heart.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Hey D guess what?

So my computer finally refused to turn on this morning and it just over whelmed me as it seemed jsut another loss of connection to you. So much of whats was on my computer was us. The games we played together the many emails msgs and graphics we had shared so many experiences so much love so much laughter. While I have backed up most of it I am sure there is things I've missed and I hate the thought of losing one single thing we had shared. One single smile we had made for each other. Over the last two weeks looking through all the folders on my computers I've found graphics songs notes all sent by me you us all so filled with love and joy. Anyway I went down to the computer store after work and I am taking delievery of a brand new one on Monday haahahah you know how i get when I have computer issues like a bear with a sore tooth. I sure am going to miss having you to help me set it all up.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Just really miss my D

Each day is just so long I miss D so much it's just so unbearable I go through the motions of doing what I have always done. But today after school I did what I have done for so long checked my mobile phone for text msgs as every day D would send me 2 or 3 msgs during the day that because of being so busy at work I normally didn't get to read them till I was sitting in the car at the end of the day. Just sweet silly msgs just meant to make me smile even the Base Ball scores for our loved Texas Rangers.. Or even jsut one word we had so many of our own words which were really our way of saying I love you . Lots of these words started as the way I would say them would make Donn laugh so he would copy my accent. Over 11 yrs we had created our own love language.
I just dont know how I will ever stop missing him... He is my best friend the love of my life.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Still be gone

I've just spent 20 minutes sobbing on the phone to my Mum I had a terrible night sleep last night thinking about how I really want to go to Donn's military memorial service on Monday the 23rd of Feb and arguing with myself about the pros and cons of going. The cost the distance the grief the fact it wont change anything he will still be gone. So I know I cant go but I just miss him and I want to get my things from his house and go through our things and not have to rely on other ppl to do it and then have to wait for them to mail it too me.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Not great but ok

Well had my first day back at school today and it was just ok was very hard for me to concentrate and focus and was hard work smiling and pretending I was ok where really being there was no more of a distraction than being busy at home. Just so many things make me think of my D I just miss him so very much.

But I do think he is working his magic for me Jacy got the promotion at JB today one she has been waiting on forever.

I also got 4 more cards in the mail today which was nice but I am just so tired and more than anything I want to talk to D just like I always would.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

On line guest book for Donn

I wanted to post a link to Donn's online guest book and just say how very very much I loved the post made by my Mum

Out deepest sympathy to our daughter Carolyn on the loss of her beloved "Sweety D". Our sympathy also to Donn's family.
God looked around his garden And He found an empty place. And then He looked down upon the earth, And saw your tired face. He put His arms around you, And lifted you to rest. God's garden must be beautiful, He always takes the best. He knew that you were suffering, He knew you were in pain, He knew that you would never Get well on earth again. He saw the road was getting rough, And the hills were hard to climb, So He closed your weary eyelids, And whispered"Peace be thine." It broke our hearts to lose you. But you didn't go alone, For part of us went with you, The day God called you home.
Ray & Lynette Robinson (Australia, TX)

Will it ever stop

I miss Donn so much it hurts to breathe I was having a good last day before going back to school then I got a text msg an as I scrolled through the saved msgs on my mobile phone there is 100s from Donn each one as sweet and loving as the next. He loved to send me the Baseball scores and now I am crying for missing him. I just want to talk to him.
Jacy Damien, Kylie and i repotted the beautiful lillies given to me by the Grannies on DSP today will post some photos later we also bought some herbs and planted them.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Just when I needed it

I got this most beautiful msg from one of my wonderful online friends from DSP it's like she looked into my heart and mind and knew exactly the fears that were there.

[QUOTE=sherryva]Hi Carolyn-
I thought about you this morning and wondered how you are doing, although I am sure I know the answer.

I know there is alot of fuss in the beginning, a fog like state, and people swirling about offering comfort and such- and you wonder how time can suddenly move so slowly. All to quickly, it seems life goes back to normal "for everyone else." People will unknowingly adopt the "it's time to move on" attitude which has far more to do with their sense of discomfort at feeling so helpless to help you, than anything else- follow your own timetable of grieving.

You will have good days and bad- no question- but in the future if you feel that overwhelming sense of lonliness- and the urge to talk about him-relieve the memories etc keep his memories alive- just know there are people out here for you that will be happy to listen, laugh, cry, and help you through, me included.

I promise you, the same memories that are so painful now, will bring you GREAT comfort and peace in the future, just hang in there, one day at a time, and know out of sight doesn't mean out of mind- we are all still thinking of you- and if you need something-be sure to let us know!


and my reply to her
Sherry there are no words to say thankyou for this message as its exactly how I am feeling while everyone around me is encouraging me to get back to my "normal life" I am thinking I do not have a NORMAL anymore nothing in my life is normal right now.
Your understanding of just how I do feel makes me feel so much better I think I am terrified of everyone thinking I'll be back to my normal self in a day or two.
Anyways your message was perfect and timing spot on as its almost 6am Thursday morning here and later today is Donns memorial service and I am in some ways looking forward to being able to share all my wonderful stories of Donn and I with so many ppl but part of me is saying NO very loudly as I dont want to have to accept that my best friend in the whole world is gone and he is not coming back.


Sunday, February 01, 2009

He is here with me

there is a blankness a void an emptiness an absence of anything

I know I have suffered a huge loss and inside my heart is weeping but some how its easier I am no longer tortured by images of Donn cold and scared attached to a 100 tubes and machines surrounded by Doctors and Nurses. He/we were/was so scared it broke my heart and now he has gone. Friday 30th January 6.15pm (Texas Time) I was talking to his sister quietly on the phone she was sitting by his side holding his hand as he took his last breathe his heart then stopped beating a few minutes later. It was all so relaxed and calm he was in no pain and we were both telling him we loved him.

They turned the dialysis machine off at around midday and his heart continued to beat well and in fact when Sharian put me on speaker phone his heart pace and blood pressure increased as if it was his last final way of expressing his love for me. After that his blood pressure continued to drop and around 3pm the respirator was removed he never woke or moved and with the sounds of mine and his loved sisters voices in the background he slipped away.

Instantly this sense of calm and peace fell over me and all I could keep saying is he is here with me now he is here with me now.
For as long as I live Donn will forever remain a part of me the very best part.

I love these 2 pieces of writings this first one th eminute I read it I could hear my sweetie D saying the words to me

Death is nothing at all - I have only slipped away into the next room. Whatever we were to each, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which You always used. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it always was.Let it be spoken without effort. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was there is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of Your mind because I am out of Your sight? I am but waiting for You, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner. All is well. Nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before - only better, infinitely happier and forever - we will all be one together with Christ.

As Long as Your Eyes are Blue

by A. B. "Banjo" Paterson

"Will you love me, sweet, when my hair is grey
And my cheeks shall have lost their hue?
When the charms of youth shall have passed away
Will your love as of old prove true?

"For the looks may change, and the heart may range
And the love be no longer fond;
Will you love with truth in the years of youth
And away to the years beyond?"

Oh, I love you, sweet, for your locks of brown
And the blush on your cheek that lies --
But I love you most for the kindly heart
That I see in your sweet blue eyes.

For the eyes are the signs of the soul within,
Of the heart that is leal and true,
And, my own sweetheart, I shall love you still,
Just as long as your eyes are blue.

For the locks may bleach, and the cheeks of peach
May be reft of their golden hue;
But, my own sweetheart, I shall love you still,
Just as long as your eyes are blue.

The Bulletin, 7 Nov 1891

Turn Again To Life

If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others sore undone,
Who keep long vigil by the silent dust.
For my sake turn again to life and smile,
nerving thy heart and trembling hand
to do something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine.
And I perchance may therein comfort you.

Mary Lee Hall