Thursday, July 23, 2009

so tired

So I had my first session with Lyn the grief councilor and I just feel so over overwhelmingly exhausted. The hour went by so fast in fact it seemed like 5 mins I mostly cried for the whole time she was a really nice lady the room was very pleasant two large couches to sit on. Lyn asked me if i had ever though of writing mine and Donn's story such that it is so beautiful. The ongoing12 year honey moon never having to deal with the drudgery of every day life. At the end she said given just what i had told her in that one session that i should not waste 1 min feeling guilty about not staying with Donn at the end because Donn loved me so much that he wouldn't want me to feel bad about anything and in fact given the nature of our relationship being long distance that somehow our story went full circle given that I was on the phone talking to him when he took his last breathe. She also said that I need to cry that bottling it up and stopping myself from releasing my pain just takes away from my ability to cope with anything. That where I'm at right now is just where I am at I cant move myself from my pain and that i need to stop feeling bad for crying. I told her the story of how when Donn asked me how old I was I told him I was born in the yr JFK was assassinated so he then went on to ask me a 100 questions about his death which I cheated and looked up the encyclopedia before answering him of course he didn't know that as we were chatting online he just thought i was a slow typist he was simply amazed that I would know so much about JFK later as in a yr or so later when I told him what I had done he thought it was so damn funny of course now days I would have googled for the answers but back in 1997 that was pre google.
At the end I just didn't feel like an hr was long enough to have some one just sit and listen to me talk and cry and laugh about my memories of Donn with out me having to hold back my emotions was wonderful to have some one get how much I miss him and how very sad I feel and some one letting me know that not only is it ok for me to cry but really very desirable . She also asked me or made the comment about me being thankful for being so loved in the context of that many many ppl never get to know the joy and love that Donn and i shared.
Has it helped I am not sure part of me was too upset to really listen to her words of advice so maybe when I am not feeling so tired and so emotionally drained more of what she said will come back to me.

LIke me wonderign if i had been there if I had stayed woudl Donn still be alive today of course he wouldnt he was getting the best medical treatment he knew I loved him if he could have lived he would have. I jsut miss him. I miss us and how we were together we were "the Blur squad", DCCD, Pan and Tink , Rhett and Scarlett, samm and GooSe just miss him.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

a Note from a Friend

I understand how you feel, Caro and this is JUST the place you should be sharing your blues. I do know, a little, how you feel, although no one can know it exactly. Every year we hang ornaments on the Christmas tree and the first time I hung them myself, he was still alive, but dying. I was alone with the tree and the ornaments..and I knew he would never hang them again. It was heartbreaking and I wrote this poem.

My tree is clothed in dark and light
And I sit before it in the night
Remembering how, with loving care,
A child once hung those trinkets there
And though the tree seems fully dressed
Alone, I now must hang the rest
Then the tree with greater love will shine
With memories of that son of mine.
I hang the sparkle from his eyes
That shone each day with sweet surprise,
I hang a gentle heart-shaped kiss
The one that I would always miss.
I hang a bow of loving charms,
And a hug he once held in his arms
Now every light will hold a part
Of all the memories in my heart
For though my grief will never sleep
His heart would break, and he would weep
If we never again felt the Christmas Joy
That was so much a part of my wonderful boy.

But I built new traditions where we honour him and remember him each year, in a positive and happy way. Every time my spirits sink low and I don't feel like celebrating, I remember a mother I met in a grief group whose daughter died on Thanksgiving and she refused to celebrate it. Her whole family wore shirts with the daughter's picture on and picked up McDonalds and ate it by the daughter's grave. It was awful and this was 14 years after the girl died!! Chris loved Christmas and he would be so sad if we didn't celebrate it without him.

Holidays have extra memories - we have to learn to cope with that and be grateful for that. It takes time - this is your first year and you are still limping along.

But - two years ago for CIJ - I did this layout - over 11 years after Chris died... I still grieve and so will you, always.

The journaling says:

For one moment, one, breath,

one heartbeat, I would like to have you back. I want to say I love you one more time and tell you how much I miss you and how much my heart has ached every day since you’ve been gone. I want to take a breath in a world where you are alive and where all the tears are tears of joy.

This is my Christmas Wish...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Random thoughts to catch up

So it has been over a month since I last posted kind of wish that it's because I am doing better but in fact really doing worse not better I've just seem to have sunk into this terrible sort of sadness that has me just crying at the most random and frequent times. I just want to be miserable I miss Donn and I guess I am angry and resentful that I have to live with out him. Knowing he kept every promise he ever made me just makes me feel even angrier he promised to love me till the day he died he just never told me that that meant I would have to live with out him.

I did find this totally wonderful sound file that Donn recorded of me singing Happy birthday to him and the dog howling to my singing and all you can hear in the bg is Donn laughing it truly is so wonderful being able to listen to him laughing.

I just wonder if I will ever share that kind of joy or happiness again will anyone ever know me and love me again the way Donn did or am I destined to forever be sad and to just look to the day that I am with Donn again.

Right now I feel pretty invisible like I am living on the fringe of everyone else life with out any real direction of my own.
I did have a really wonderful conversation with James Donn's best friend on July 4TH we LAUGHED AND CRIED TOGETHER Donn loved James like a bro and out of every one James really comes closest to feeling my level of grief and loss but hearing his beautiful voice and having him tell me how he loved me as a sister just made me cry harder as he sounds so like Donn and it just reminds me of all I have lost.

I did have the most beautiful dream about Donn and it did bring me a real sense of comfort. I dreamt that I had gone to Fort Worth to visit Donn's grave site and when I got there Crystal Shana's daughter picked me up from the airport to take me to the cemetery when we got to the cemetery I went to the information booth to get directions to Donn's grave site well then I walking along between all the crosses and Donn was walking with me holding my hand kissing me and we were laughing we walked around the cemetery all the while looking for his grave site and then when I woke up I realised Donn didn't know where to find it either as he is not there he is with me.

To give myself a Birthday ay gift from Donn I went through the 100s of cards he has sent me over the yrs and reread all the birthday cards from him for previous yrs they all made me smile. Every one was always with him wanting to make me smile and to let me know how much he loved me.

Then other days when i feel like I want to throw my computer out take down all my photos of Donn put all the reminders away as I just feel overwhelmed by what I have lost and just need to escape from everyone and everything that reminds me . Then other days when I want to reread and listen and watch everything i can just again to feel surrounded in the love that Donn had for me.

Going away with my friends for a few days was a welcomed distraction and sure beats sitting home alone.

I also got the most beautiful gift in the mail from Donn's sister and Mother it was a beautiful angel and silver bracelet that has engraved on it "Nothing is impossible for you if you have faith:.