Wednesday, July 15, 2009

a Note from a Friend

I understand how you feel, Caro and this is JUST the place you should be sharing your blues. I do know, a little, how you feel, although no one can know it exactly. Every year we hang ornaments on the Christmas tree and the first time I hung them myself, he was still alive, but dying. I was alone with the tree and the ornaments..and I knew he would never hang them again. It was heartbreaking and I wrote this poem.

My tree is clothed in dark and light
And I sit before it in the night
Remembering how, with loving care,
A child once hung those trinkets there
And though the tree seems fully dressed
Alone, I now must hang the rest
Then the tree with greater love will shine
With memories of that son of mine.
I hang the sparkle from his eyes
That shone each day with sweet surprise,
I hang a gentle heart-shaped kiss
The one that I would always miss.
I hang a bow of loving charms,
And a hug he once held in his arms
Now every light will hold a part
Of all the memories in my heart
For though my grief will never sleep
His heart would break, and he would weep
If we never again felt the Christmas Joy
That was so much a part of my wonderful boy.

But I built new traditions where we honour him and remember him each year, in a positive and happy way. Every time my spirits sink low and I don't feel like celebrating, I remember a mother I met in a grief group whose daughter died on Thanksgiving and she refused to celebrate it. Her whole family wore shirts with the daughter's picture on and picked up McDonalds and ate it by the daughter's grave. It was awful and this was 14 years after the girl died!! Chris loved Christmas and he would be so sad if we didn't celebrate it without him.

Holidays have extra memories - we have to learn to cope with that and be grateful for that. It takes time - this is your first year and you are still limping along.

But - two years ago for CIJ - I did this layout - over 11 years after Chris died... I still grieve and so will you, always.

The journaling says:

For one moment, one, breath,

one heartbeat, I would like to have you back. I want to say I love you one more time and tell you how much I miss you and how much my heart has ached every day since you’ve been gone. I want to take a breath in a world where you are alive and where all the tears are tears of joy.

This is my Christmas Wish...

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