Thursday, July 23, 2009

so tired

So I had my first session with Lyn the grief councilor and I just feel so over overwhelmingly exhausted. The hour went by so fast in fact it seemed like 5 mins I mostly cried for the whole time she was a really nice lady the room was very pleasant two large couches to sit on. Lyn asked me if i had ever though of writing mine and Donn's story such that it is so beautiful. The ongoing12 year honey moon never having to deal with the drudgery of every day life. At the end she said given just what i had told her in that one session that i should not waste 1 min feeling guilty about not staying with Donn at the end because Donn loved me so much that he wouldn't want me to feel bad about anything and in fact given the nature of our relationship being long distance that somehow our story went full circle given that I was on the phone talking to him when he took his last breathe. She also said that I need to cry that bottling it up and stopping myself from releasing my pain just takes away from my ability to cope with anything. That where I'm at right now is just where I am at I cant move myself from my pain and that i need to stop feeling bad for crying. I told her the story of how when Donn asked me how old I was I told him I was born in the yr JFK was assassinated so he then went on to ask me a 100 questions about his death which I cheated and looked up the encyclopedia before answering him of course he didn't know that as we were chatting online he just thought i was a slow typist he was simply amazed that I would know so much about JFK later as in a yr or so later when I told him what I had done he thought it was so damn funny of course now days I would have googled for the answers but back in 1997 that was pre google.
At the end I just didn't feel like an hr was long enough to have some one just sit and listen to me talk and cry and laugh about my memories of Donn with out me having to hold back my emotions was wonderful to have some one get how much I miss him and how very sad I feel and some one letting me know that not only is it ok for me to cry but really very desirable . She also asked me or made the comment about me being thankful for being so loved in the context of that many many ppl never get to know the joy and love that Donn and i shared.
Has it helped I am not sure part of me was too upset to really listen to her words of advice so maybe when I am not feeling so tired and so emotionally drained more of what she said will come back to me.

LIke me wonderign if i had been there if I had stayed woudl Donn still be alive today of course he wouldnt he was getting the best medical treatment he knew I loved him if he could have lived he would have. I jsut miss him. I miss us and how we were together we were "the Blur squad", DCCD, Pan and Tink , Rhett and Scarlett, samm and GooSe just miss him.

5 comments:

Joan said...

Hugs

Kay said...

Darling Caro..I have no words..my heart is with you .

Mariafer said...

I am praying for you and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient with yourself and no guilt! Hugs.

Elisabeth said...

Oh hun, I had no idea you were trying not to cry. Wish my shoulder was closer so it could get all wet. I'm glad the first session went well and I hope you find a sense of balance with them.

Helen said...

I'm glad to hear you are going to a grief counselor Caroline. I think it's important to realize there is no 'right way' to grieve, and we all have to travel that path our own way.
Wish I could give you a hug and listen to some of your stories of Donn. I'm glad you can share a little with us here.