Sunday, February 01, 2009

He is here with me

there is a blankness a void an emptiness an absence of anything

I know I have suffered a huge loss and inside my heart is weeping but some how its easier I am no longer tortured by images of Donn cold and scared attached to a 100 tubes and machines surrounded by Doctors and Nurses. He/we were/was so scared it broke my heart and now he has gone. Friday 30th January 6.15pm (Texas Time) I was talking to his sister quietly on the phone she was sitting by his side holding his hand as he took his last breathe his heart then stopped beating a few minutes later. It was all so relaxed and calm he was in no pain and we were both telling him we loved him.

They turned the dialysis machine off at around midday and his heart continued to beat well and in fact when Sharian put me on speaker phone his heart pace and blood pressure increased as if it was his last final way of expressing his love for me. After that his blood pressure continued to drop and around 3pm the respirator was removed he never woke or moved and with the sounds of mine and his loved sisters voices in the background he slipped away.

Instantly this sense of calm and peace fell over me and all I could keep saying is he is here with me now he is here with me now.
For as long as I live Donn will forever remain a part of me the very best part.

I love these 2 pieces of writings this first one th eminute I read it I could hear my sweetie D saying the words to me

Death is nothing at all - I have only slipped away into the next room. Whatever we were to each, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which You always used. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it always was.Let it be spoken without effort. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was there is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of Your mind because I am out of Your sight? I am but waiting for You, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner. All is well. Nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before - only better, infinitely happier and forever - we will all be one together with Christ.

As Long as Your Eyes are Blue

by A. B. "Banjo" Paterson

"Will you love me, sweet, when my hair is grey
And my cheeks shall have lost their hue?
When the charms of youth shall have passed away
Will your love as of old prove true?

"For the looks may change, and the heart may range
And the love be no longer fond;
Will you love with truth in the years of youth
And away to the years beyond?"

Oh, I love you, sweet, for your locks of brown
And the blush on your cheek that lies --
But I love you most for the kindly heart
That I see in your sweet blue eyes.

For the eyes are the signs of the soul within,
Of the heart that is leal and true,
And, my own sweetheart, I shall love you still,
Just as long as your eyes are blue.

For the locks may bleach, and the cheeks of peach
May be reft of their golden hue;
But, my own sweetheart, I shall love you still,
Just as long as your eyes are blue.

The Bulletin, 7 Nov 1891

Turn Again To Life

If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others sore undone,
Who keep long vigil by the silent dust.
For my sake turn again to life and smile,
nerving thy heart and trembling hand
to do something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine.
And I perchance may therein comfort you.

Mary Lee Hall


Roberta T said...

Caro, I am so happy to see that you are online. You are so loved by everyone, and we so want you to be around, I just wanted you to know how much sorrow I feel for you. You are such a beautiful woman, so full of life, and my prayers are with you and your dear daughters.

jennilynn10 said...

Carolyn - Roberta said it all so well. You have such many beautiful memories of Donn to cherish. It is such a tribute to Donn that you are remembering so many of them now, even through your terrible pain. I wish I could be there to hug you in person. I will continue to pray for you, Donn and your families.

Mariafer said...

Carolyn - You are in my prayers. I know this won't be an easy journey but you will make it through. Your post was so moving. I am praying.

clikchic said...

Oh Carolyn, I will be thinking of you during this tough time as you grieve for the loss of your love.

Sending you lots of love and cyber hugs.

Elisabeth said...

Thanks for updating us. What an amazing thing to feel him right there with you; I'm glad of that and I know it brings you comfort. It's a long road ahead but look at how many of us are walking with you - and it seems Donn is too.

What beautiful poems you've shared too; I enjoyed reading them.

sands_healy said...

Thinking of you Caro!... You are one special lady.

Muma said...

Thank you for updating us ... I am not very elegant with words but want you to know that you are in my prayers.

Helen said...

Carolyn, it's Helen here, from the LD support group. I am so sad tonight, hearing this news. My heart aches for the pain you must be going through.
I wish I could give you a real hug. You've been through so much.

Teresa said...

Thinking of you always.

Beachcomber said...

Thinking of you. (((hugs)))