Word of the Year

wow tough choice I went with adventure but I think I should have gone with "noise" as at the last session with the grief counselor I talked about how silent i feel my life is silent to the point that there is a blankness inside me that I can hear the silence it deafens me to the point of feeling paralysed by it. So she told me that I need to fill that silence with things about me and for me because that silence is the part of me that Donn filled our laughter, dreams, passion, excitement, adventures, Lyn the counselor suggest I start a new hobby like yoga something that will get me meeting new ppl and doing things I haven't done before because in immersing myself in new activities I will begin to give my life a new direction and fill it with new activities and friends. However she did also say that I need to accept that there will always be a part of me that will be silent as that is my grief over losing Donn which I should welcome and accept as that is the testimony of how great a love we shared. So anyways I am thinking of changing my word of the year to NOISE. Hmmmmm I will ponder on it for a while as I stillreally do like the word adventure.

Happy New Year

So in the last hr of the last day of the last year Donn and I were both alive in and I feel so sad and so ripped off it's like why me.. So I have 40 mins where i can say "My partner Donn passed away in January of this year.... in forty mins I will have to say last yr and maybe it would be ok if i felt like it happened last yr and that I still didn't miss him so much and still feel so sad.... for it may have been 11 months ago but for me nothing has changed I still think of him all the time I still feel like my life is stuck in some sort of purgatory here on earth. I still have no dreams no goals no direction for where i want my life to go....

A ME Dolly

well I just spent 3 hrs making a paper doll and trying to make the face look like mine ahahah hmm I am hoping there is no resemblance as its an ugly looking doll.

Art Journal

I am so looking forward to being involved in this for 2010 hopefully I will complete the whole year and have a great book at the end of 2010. This is my first trial front cover which already I want to change so it may end up being the last page I do.
I also did another test page which I like a little but still not what I am wanting plus it took me over 3 hrs to put it together.
If you want more details the header is a link to the blog about it.

Happy Anniversary

so this time 12 yrs ago I was in a plane flying to Texas to meet Donn after we had met online 6 months previously I was so so so very excited the anticipation, the excitement the nerves but I felt so alive like I was on the brink of a whole new me. So when I finally reached Dumas Texas and walked up the staircase from the tarmac at the airport, I lifted my head and there was Donn looking forme in the crowd of ppl walking up the stairs our eyes connected and then the smiles began. Smiles of pure joy and such a sense of already knowing and loving each other like we had simply been apart from each other for a while and I was coming home. So great was the connection that even now 12 yrs later I am sitting here giggling with remembered joy and all the sweet long loving kisses that saw Donn and I 2 days later with chapped lips and having to get some gel to sooth them hahahahaha. For as long as I live I will never forget that first meeting hearign Donn's laughter seeing how a smile made his eyes twinkle and feeling so instantly at home held within his very tight Texas hug.With him I finally found myself and felt truly complete there was not one single thing about me that he didn't know he knew all my faults and all my strengths and he loved me.. Loved me completely.....

Christmas Eve

Just wanted to post a I love you note to my sweetie D Christmas Eve 2009 you have been with me all day I have thought about you constantly and shared stories of our Christmas Eves with everyone I talked too today. A 1000 wonderful happy treasured memories that make me smile to think of them all. I have missed you so much today remembering the good times makes me smile but it also reminds me of everything I've lost.

D I've had such a great day today and more than anything I wish I could tell you about it and share the photos. Today was Tree day you know the day we put the Christmas Tree up and you watch on the cam or you play music for us. Well I played your Christmas music and we giggled at some of the sound files we made and the Tree looks wonderful it has so many Christmas balls on it I dont know how its standing up. Then we had the early family Christmas dinner it was actually a lot of fun today everyone had a good time. Just kind of thought you were here with me all day helping and sharing the day with us all.

14.2.1998

I was looking for a photo on a old CD and came across this text file that I had put together on the 14.2.98 to send to Donn and some how on Thanksgiving it seems like a msg from Donn on how very lucky we were to have found each other.

"When i think of how much you mean to me
i stop to count my blessings..
i feel you in my heart,in my soul and in my mind..
and i wonder how i got so fortunate
to have met someone as wonderful as you..
but yet im not able to hold you, touch you or kiss you.
When i look at your face
even from a picture
i cant help but wonder what it would be like
having you as mine...
To love, to touch, to caress
and to look for you at the end of each day...
wanting to please you in every way...
makes the waiting worth while..
waiting all my life for you to come my way
made this journey worth all the pain...
I love you more with each passing day..
you emcompass my heart and envelope my soul..
your my first thoughts in the morning
and my last thoughts at night as i lay my head to sleep..
My heart and soul are yours for the taking when i can be yours...
so baby just know my feelings are deep and strong
and wanting us to be together as we belong..

So what a combination a Texan and a Aussie.....How did it
happened....specially when New2Mirc is not a pickup channel..
or so us OPs in there pride ourselves on telling newbies....
It was the first channel I entered as a newbie knowing nothing about
about Mirc.....and who offered to teach me but a very sexy Texan "Mongoose"
well what hope did I have?? I received beautiful Yellow Texas Roses....
wav files of a gorgeous Texas Drawl....Well nearly 8 months later and
3 weeks spent in Texas on the most romantic adventure of my life....
I've found my Soul Mate...
Later this year The Texan is moving to Australia!!!!!
So stay tuned for the sequel to the most romantic love
adventure since Superman gave up his powers for Lois Lane.


Donn you are my first thought in the morning...my last thought before I sleep.....my dreams both day and night.... and my thoughts in between...you encompass my heart and soul...and you give me reason to go on.....you are my love and my life and i cherish every moment with you...from now until the end of time...I love you baby."


Happy Thanksgiving sweetheart as for me I will always be truly grateful that I got to spend 12 wonderful years with you.

My mushy D

I am sitting here giving myself a hug from Donn in that I am wearing his favourite jacket and every time I put it on I shut my eyes and see him wearing it and remember how it felt to be in his arms with him hugging me tight. So each time I put it on I just think of it as a hug from Donn I find it really helps.

I also found this part of a msn chat conversation between Donn and I earlier and found myself gigglin that man was such a mushy sweet flirt

10/05/2008 11:42:26 AM GooSe thats when I love you the most
10/05/2008 11:42:26 AM samm why what ya mean
10/05/2008 11:43:53 AM GooSe when I take your picture, you don't EVER EVER tell me to wait so you can "pimpup"; fix your hair, etc.
10/05/2008 11:44:10 AM samm hahahahahahahah
10/05/2008 11:44:30 AM GooSe your smile is so beautiful, you don't have to fix.

Just need to come hang out in here I just miss my D and I just made the mistake of listening to his songs he made for me and hearing his voice just bought back that sharp edge grief of simply more than anything wanting to hear his voice hear him telling me the words to comfort me and to make me strong so I can help support Jenny with the tragic accidental loss of her kind wonderful husband Terry.
The thing with My Sweetie D is that he would listen and let me talk out my anger, frustration, sadness with whatever it was work, kids, family friends etc and then he would try and make suggestions to help or give me a different perspective on the situation but the one thing he would ALWAYS say is "keep your chin up" he always wanted to make me smile. There is no doubt in my mind it was our ability and love of making each other laugh that got us through the times apart. I so miss our laughter... but I am doing better I know right now I have been reminded of the early dark grief stricken days but I am clinging on to the steps I've made in going forward. I am eating healthy I have starting walking and in the last 2 weeks lost 2.8 kilos. I've started having my nails done again and even cancel my next session with the grief counselor. So I am really wanting to not take on Jenny's extreme grief and instead be the person she has been for me. Provide warmth, support and a place of hope and normalcy that there will be joy of many types in my life in the yrs to come.

Not to focus on that normally this time of the yr Donn and I would be so excited with only 8 weeks till we got to touch again.
So to plan on how to get through this ext 2 months of Christmas and New Year I am going to ask myself every day " what have I done today to make life better for someone"? just simple things.